I wish I have a choice

As many of you who are acquainted with me already, you would know that I am a little...well...what people think as "emo". Not that I am extremely emotionally depressed, it's just that my thinking is not exactly the most positive out there. Of course, my friends and I already have several inside jokes relating to the general emo connotations...fun times ^_^

As I was saying earlier in my very first post, I try to find time every now and then to write about my thoughts and feelings as ways to unload some baggage in my life. Well, today is one of those days. With my final SAT II subject tests coming up in two weeks and barely prepared for it, I am pretty much screwed. Ya, I know what you are thinking. I should have started earlier. Well, as matter of fact, I did. It's just that I did not find the time to sit down and review the materials which I supposedly revisited my first time around. So here I am, extremely stressed about the upcoming tests and college applications as well as school grades. As if that is not enough, I have another problem that is giving me some very painful times: Girls.

Ya, I admit that I went overboard. I fell too deep for this girl who is only a year younger than me. When we finally broke up nearly 6 months ago, I didn't know what to do when she was crying. I wanted to cry too, but that wouldn't help the situation. We didn't break up because we lost the feelings, but we broke up due to some external reasons which shall remain confidential.
However, my mind became even more attached to her than before. Even now, whenever I see her during school hours, I would feel a little sore in my chest. It has been freaking 6 months, yet I still cannot dismiss my feelings. I really wish I have a choice to tell my heart to stop the nonsense and move on, as many of my friends have suggested. The problem is, I simply can't, I do not know the reason.

We continued to talk on the phone until school started again. As a senior, I have many college applications and many other stuff to deal with. As a junior, her life will be really stressful due to the workload of typical juniors in Hinsdale Central have. She stopped calling a week into school, which is understandable. Since we ended our relationship, I didn't expect her to call me. However, what I cannot tolerate or endure is the fact that she acts very cold to me. I don't know what I have done to deserve the treatment. She knows very well that I still want to be by her side, she knows it. But she acts as if she no longer cares and starts treating me with coldness so cold that could penetrate the warmth of a jacket.

I am just being a paranoid you might say? Ya, I guess I am being a paranoid. However, that doesn't change the fact that it bothers me to no end. Her bright and hopeful smile will suddenly be replaced with a blank face whenever she notices my presence. Such action itself is extremely painful to me. I really don't know what I have done to deserve such treatment. Even though I confronted her about it, she merely dismisses it using homework and stress as excuses. I don't think stress can turn someone's smile into a cold stare in a matter of seconds. What have I done?

*sigh* I really wish I can move on, but my heart simply won't let me. Why? I have plenty of potential girls to choose from, yet my heart is set on this one. What is so special about her? Why can't I stop thinking about her so much? If only I know the answer....

As mentioned, this post mainly serves to unload my baggage because a misunderstanding just happened between her and I. I tried to amend it immediately but she signed off before I could. I don't know how to climb out of this emotional torture anymore...may God be with me.

-Joe Peng